You know what I could go for?

I used to go for a ride on my bike a lot. I don't mean motorcycle. I mean the good machine powered by human. Fill that sucker up with cookies and it was good to go all day. I'd ride the same streets everyday. I didn't even think to think I'd mind it. "I'm going for a bike ride, Mom!" I'd shout at the door while I'm leaving. She'd be in another room or not. Either way the door'd be close before she finished saying "Okay, be careful." I'd be gone hours. All over town. Once I wanted to ride out to my girlfriends house which was quite far. My friends were game. I always remember it was 10 miles away but now that I think of it, I don't think it was that far. Maybe 5. I remember thinking that it probably wasn't a good idea since there were no sidewalks for the majority of the way and I didn't have a chance to tell my Mom. We went anyway. It was kind of disappointing once we got there. Sure the ride was trying at times and the surprise visit, of which I'm a big fan, was fun but it felt twisted and awkward while we were there. My friends were oddly quite. We didn't really stay that long that I remember. A couple weeks later that girlfriend broke it off with me and went out with one of my friends who rode out there with me that day. After a while she went out with the other friend too. I still miss my bike rides.

late nights

Or early mornings or never ending days. They all are melding together into one big wad of events that I get mixed up with in my head. Something reminds you of another that seemed to be so close by but it was a while ago. Confused head is a bad thing.
Today was more of the same but it wasn't as exciting as the day before. I kind of think this vague talk about what I do is getting tired and may not be that exciting to read. I might resort to talking about what I watched or read. The day before I yelled at someone. When I think about times I became angry I usually get angry again. But this time I think about it and I can see it. At the time I went black and lashed out but calmed down quickly. That was how I used to be, filled with anger, and I don't really want to be anymore. The sarcastic, calm, collected, with a little bit of a mean side, and sort of humorous is who I want to be. I want to be the one who is even and steady.
Must sleep, I'll have to little of it tomorrow already. I'll have to rely on a can to keep me with it.

payout

Today was a good day. I'm high on whatever it is good feeling are made. Lots of things aren't going well but that isn't my fault. I just give bad news I don't make it happen. Sure, I have to deal with it and tell other people so they have to deal with it but it isn't my doing. Despite this I was successful in something today and not only did I get it, but I did really well. I feel great. To reward myself I pushed the Question Mark button on the vending machine. Unfortunately I received a Coke Zero for my careless button pushing. I wanted a Sprite but Question Mark button was there instead of Sprite. I did not let this deter my jubilant mood. I drank the shit out of that Zero. Before the horrible after taste kicked in I drowned it out with butterlover pop corn. I did all this while watching my favorite 5 plus year old television show.
I just reread what I just wrote. Learned my lesson. I sound like a little girl. Seriously though, this good mood is odd. It's starting to worry me. I've been like this for a week or more. Something is very wrong. Where's that bitter edge, that scowl, those sardonic comments, the sarcastic overtones to every breath. I think they're still here. They are hiding.

Cigarette

Just a tiny hiatus. No one missed me I’m sure. Someone said the other day that I should have a blog. I didn’t tell him I did already. I’m not too sure when he said that it was a compliment. I was feeling bored and asked someone else where they were from. They were also bored and decided to not be forthright. So, I made up their life story there. It entertained the crowd. I’ve also been watching Californication which has sort of inspired me to write. Though, when I finally decided to get on this site I’m not much in the mood for it. This will explain all the short sentences and lack of more elaborate descriptive words. I’m thankful for spell check by the way. I’ve been thinking the last few hours and all that thinking has led me to want a cigarette. If only I could have one without the acrid post cigarette smell and the increased chance of lung cancer. I have tonight and about 6 hours tomorrow to reconsider. Only then will I have a chance to get one. I’m looking forward to my decision.