stolen from the interweb

"I just stole your car, set fire to your couch, humped your girlfriend, ate your last peice of pizza, drank your last beer, shit on your coat, called your father a dingleberry, smeared ky jelly all over your toilet seat, called the police and told them you were mean to me, broke your calculator, made a flip book out of your post-it notes, wrote obscene messages on your driveway in sidewalk chalk, mixed up all your dress socks so you have one navy blue and one black one, left your refriderator door open, left your freezer door open, left your front door open, asked your priest to excommunicate you, rifled through your mail but didn't find anything interesting so I put it back, switched your calender with a 1996 one, changed your screensaver to the windows logo, switched all your clocks back 1 hour, licked all your stamps and put them on the ceiling of your stolen car, made a random post trying to make you cry, invited twelve stray cats into your place and watching the sit on the burning couch, run up your long distance bill asking china if they really loved white rice, played darts with your neighbor, the dart board was the side of your house, I won, vacuumed your carpet then dumped the bag on your bed, set your bed on fire to watch the dust burn, it wasn't that interesting so I took a fire extenguisher and put it out, watched the couch burn some more cats, invited a stray dog over to chase the burning cats, got hungry again after eating your last peice of pizza so I ordered another one, its in your refriderator but the doors still open, called your work and told them you died in a horrible gay experiement, told the same thing to your dad, you are a silly rabbit so I stole your trix, then your corn pops, they were good, you're out of milk now, I changed all your passwords to sex and god, I wrote all the endings to the movies you wanted to see on your tv screen in lipstick, "for a sweet lovin call XXX-XXX-XXXX" is writen on all the bathroom walls in your area, I switched all the disc in your dvd cases with chocolate pudding, popped all your collars in your closet, installed an electric fence on your toliet, but only after I had to take a piss, I missed, I wouldn't go in there without some kind of mask on, sprinkled oregeno and flour on the a dead body I found by the railroad tracks and put it in your shower, loosened all your lightbulbs so they no longer turn on, I got hungry waiting for the pizza the dead guy smelled good so i ate him, now there's a skeleton in your closet, changed all the presets on your stereo to light jazz or hardcore rap stations, broke your guitar rockstar style, there's a hole in your wall now, with part of a guitar sticking out of it, the rest of it is in the freezer, the freezer door is still ajar, your kitchen floor is wet so I turned the a/c down to keep the freezer cold, I took some pictures with your camera of your pet and me in some "interesting" poses, I will hold them for blackmail for a later time unless you pay me one million dollars, it got cold in your apartment so I put on your coat, I forgot I shit in it, you owe me a new shirt, I didn't tip the pizza guy, he's now going to spit on your pizzas when you order from them."